


Like A Computer

by starboydjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Chronic Illness, Epilepsy, M/M, Seizure, Seizures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 09:49:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17180660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starboydjh/pseuds/starboydjh
Summary: Dan’s brain is like a computer and needs to reboot itself sometimes. It just so happens that his brain needs to reboot when Dan’s home alone with Phil’s parents during their Christmas trip to the Lester home base.





	Like A Computer

**Author's Note:**

> major shoutouts to alexis and alex for helping me with this mess

Dan was tired.

That wasn’t anything new, the both of them were tired a lot this year between the tour and everything else they had going on. But, when they woke up to fly to Phil’s family home on the Isle of Man for Christmas, Dan clarified that he was _tired_. He’d slept a full night before, and slept in the car ride to the airport, and slept in the terminal, and slept on the plane, and slept until noon the next day... He was _tired_. Big seizure tired. 

Phil hated leaving him when he was _tired_ , but Dan seemed fine, more himself, and even convinced Phil it was fine to leave him alone for awhile with his family. He still had massive bags under his eyes and seemed exhausted, but not _tired_ anymore. 

“That could just be your body revving up for one. You never know.” Phil said, and Dan pulled him close by the waist in the hallway by the guest room.

“It’s fine. Your mum wants you to go out and get some food for tonight. I’ll be fine for twenty minutes. I promise.” He rubbed one of his eyes after he was done, and smiled sleepily at Phil. “Go. If anything goes wrong, I’ll call you after. Okay? There’s a list on the counter of what your mum wants. Take a photo of it, I know you and Martyn will both lose it.” 

He nodded and tried to stamp down the worry blooming in his chest. “Okay. If you say it’s fine then it’s fine.”

Even though Phil lived most of his life on the internet, he hated when people walked down the street or through a shop glued to their phone, head down and bumping into people, but today, Phil was that person. He was checking his phone every second they were in the grocery shop, even though he had his phone on vibrate mode and was sure he’d know if a call was coming in. 

“Phil? I asked you something.” Martyn said, pulling Phil out of his daze. 

He looked up from his phone and stared at Martyn dumbly for a few seconds. “Huh?” 

“What kind of wine does Dan like? Mum wants to get some.” 

“Oh, right. It was on the list, I have a picture of it somewhere.” Phil scrolled through his phone until he found the list of what his mum wanted them to get at the store in his camera roll. The rest of the trip went fine, no phone calls or texts from anyone. 

They went home quickly to drop the food off, and everything was fine. Dan was fine. A little dazed, but fine. He was standing in the kitchen doing something on his phone while Phil’s mum cooked. Normal. Then, of course, Kathryn wanted Martyn and Phil to go to the shopping centre for a few last minute gifts before the rest of their family got there. 

The first twenty minutes were quiet, then Phil felt his phone buzz in his pocket. When he saw the call was from his mum, he slid across the screen to answer. He barely had time to get a breath in before his mum was babbling down the phone, nearly in hysterics. 

“Phil, it’s happening, Dan said he could feel a big seizure coming on, I don’t know what to do!” his mum shouted, and Phil felt his heart leap into his throat, but he gently shushed his mum and looked for a quiet spot in the shopping centre. Martyn was following behind him, and they huddled beside each other in a secluded corner of the mall, the tension rising with each passing second. 

“Okay, he’s going to be fine but I need you to calm down first. You can’t help him if you’re all wound up. Where is he right now? Has he started yet?” Phil kept his tone even and calm, despite the fear running through his veins at the fact that Dan was having his first grand mal seizure in nearly two months and Phil wasn’t beside him.

There was some commotion on the other end of the line, a crash of a glass on the floor and Kathryn yelling out Nigel’s name as something started happening in the background. “He’s fine right now I think, his skin’s gone all grey but we’ve got him sitting on the sofa in the lounge-“

“Before he goes, lay him down on the floor. If he’s on the sofa he could fall off and hurt himself. Move the coffee table out of the way so he has room.” Martyn was holding the phone up to his ear for him as he wrung his hands with anxiety. Out of the corner of his eye, Martyn thought he saw someone snap a photo of them, and he tried to angle his body to hide Phil as best he could. Phil was completely oblivious to their surroundings though as he talked their mum through the aura before the seizure started. “Lay him out on his side. He’ll most likely grab for your wrist and put your hand on his chest so that he knows someone is there. He’s got a hard grip so be careful, I can tell you right now it’s going to hurt.” 

Dan and Phil had a few morbid jokes about Dan’s condition, and they called the aura the calm before the hurricane. Once he felt it coming on, signified by a slur of his words and a sudden splitting headache, they had at most about two minutes to get him to a safe place before he’d go completely rigid. During the aura, his eyes would blank out and he’d take deep, heaving breaths every couple of seconds, like a fish above water just before he fully started into it, and Phil was picturing it happening in his head right now. 

Kathryn’s voice broke the picture in Phil’s mind. “His eyes just rolled up into his head and he’s gone cold. Phil, he’s not breathing, oh God, is he going to die?”

“No, he’s going to be fine. Have Dad look at his watch and count the seconds before he starts the fit itself. He should be tense and rigid for about forty five seconds before he starts fully seizing, and when he does take your hands off him, no matter how hard his grip is.” After Phil finished his sentence he subconsciously held his breath, his heart hammering in his chest with every passing tick of the second hand on his own watch. “Restart the count again when he starts convulsing. If it lasts longer than four minutes call an ambulance.” 

“Nigel, go get a spoon so he doesn’t bite-“

“Mum, no. Do not put anything in Dan’s mouth, that’s a myth. He could swallow the spoon and choke on it.” Phil could barely speak at the same time as counting the seconds, but luckily Martyn had his own watch out as well and nodded at Phil briefly when it hit the forty second mark. 

Another commotion immediately started on the other end afterwards, which clearly meant Dan had started violently convulsing just as he always did. His lips and the tips of his fingers surely were turning purple by now, and Phil wiped a silent tear away harshly as he gently talked his parents through what to say. “Speak softly and calmly, so he knows you’re there. He’s told me before that he can’t see but he still can hear even when he’s in the height of it, and I know it looks scary but he is going to be okay. His brain is rebooting itself, just like a computer does.” 

For the next ninety eight seconds Phil could hear his mum tearfully repeating ‘just like a computer’ as his dad calmly reassured Dan that he was okay and that they were right beside him to keep him safe. Every so often he could hear Dan thrashing around, kicking his feet or grinding his teeth as Phil held his breath. 

Instinctively, after taking care of Dan during his seizures for a decade, he knew what was going on, but he didn’t _know_ what was going on. His heart ached that he wasn’t there for him when it was happening, that he couldn’t physically see him and help him just the way he knew how.

Ninety eight seconds felt like an eternity before he heard Dan take in a giant gasp of air, as if he were resurfacing from being underwater. “What’s happening now?” 

“He’s breathing again, his color looks a little better but he’s still cold.” His mum said. “Should I get him his blanket?” He could hear Dan asking questions in the background, and his dad’s relaxing voice assuring him that he was fine. 

“Nope, once his arms and legs get some oxygen again he’ll warm up. Have Dad get him a cup of water in a plastic cup, he might still lose his grip on you. Wait a minute or so, then hold the phone up to him for a second. I can hear him asking for me.” Martyn handed the phone back to Phil who waited until he heard Dan sleepily ask his name.

“Phil? Wha’ppened?” He was still slurring his words slightly, and he knew that Dan was barely awake at that point. 

“You had a seizure. Are you okay, does your head hurt?”

He heard a rustling sound and his mum’s voice came back on the line for a moment. “He nodded yes.”

“Did he hit his head on anything?”

“No he’s fine. I don’t see blood or a bump.” 

“Okay, probably a headache then. Hand the phone back to him.” More rustling. “Dan? Can you tell me what day of the week it is and who the Prime Minister is?” Phil asked, the two usual questions he asked to gauge the likelihood of an aftershock.

“It’s Sunday. Theresa May’s the Prime Minister,” Dan said with a little more clarity in his voice, “We’re at your parent’s house. Right?” 

Phil’s heart unclenched slightly when he heard Dan answer his next question without prompting. “Yep, we’ve been there since Friday. How do you feel?”

“I’m really sore, it felt way tighter than usual,” he said with a couple of deep breaths afterwards, “Tired too.” 

“You can sleep when I get home, just try and stay awake, Martyn and I are five minutes away. We’re getting back in the car now.” 

At most the drive was ten minutes, but it felt like an hour before Martyn turned back onto their street. Phil was practically throwing himself out of the car before Martyn turned it off, and their dad was already in the entryway to calm Phil down before he went hurtling towards Dan. 

“Hey, shhh. I know that this is your thing but I feel like I need to remind you to relax as well. He’s fine.” Phil nodded frantically and took a deep couple of breaths before he felt himself welling up again. “Breathe, Phil. He’s okay.” Phil nodded more and repeated ‘he’s okay’ a few times before he felt himself stat to cry again. His father shushed him and wrapped him up in his arms, letting Phil get his own pent up emotions out before he had to be strong again for Dan and Kathryn. 

After a few moments, Phil stepped away and wiped his eyes. “I usually lock myself in the laundry room and do this after he’s safe when it happens at home. Dan’s mum hides in the bathroom to cry.” His father laughed quietly and clapped him on the shoulder. 

“There we go, that’s the spirit. He’s waiting for you upstairs I think.” 

Phil looked towards where the stairs were and saw Dan standing on the landing of the stairs, wrapped up in his favorite fleece blanket they brought everywhere for moments after Dan seized. 

He looked _tired_ , and it broke Phil’s heart to see him like that. He looked with it though, and when he held Dan in his arms, for a moment, everything felt alright. 

After Dan had a quick bite of food and Phil had another cry in the laundry room, they were sitting on the floor of the lounge, Phil’s hands working up and down Dan’s back to help his muscles recover with a Christmas movie playing on the TV. Barely anyone was watching though, everyone seemed set on edge and as if they were walking on eggshells around the two of them. The post-seizure routine felt morbidly familiar to Dan and Phil, but the reality of the situation set in again when Dan asked a question. “Where were you? I genuinely can’t remember the two hours before it happened.”

“I was out with Martyn, we needed to get a few last minute things before the Christmas party tonight.” Phil kneaded Dan’s shoulders, feeling the knots in them caused by his muscles being so tense for so long working out gradually.

“Oh God, the party. I ruined the party already, haven’t I?” Dan groaned slightly and held his head in his hands. 

“Nope, not at all. We have a while before anyone gets here. You have plenty of time to go sleep if you want. Sit up as best you can right now though, your neurologist said sitting with your head like that’s bad for you.” Another thought was looming in the back of Phil’s head, and he considered leaving it as he massaged the middle of Dan’s back. “Will you be alright to go to Reading for Christmas morning?” 

Dan sighed and leaned into Phil’s touch. “I don’t know. I should be fine for the rest of the week now, but what if it happens again on the plane? You know how I am, I don’t trust myself to be alone after big ones like that. After you’re done I’ll call my mum and tell her what happened. She’s gonna be devastated. My brother will be too.” 

All morning, Phil’s heart had felt like it was breaking, but right then, it shattered into a million pieces. He hated this condition, what it did to Dan, how it limited his life in so many significant ways. Dan couldn’t live alone, never learned how to drive, hated going out in public by himself. He never rode a bike once in his twenty seven years, and had to have a portion of his cheek stitched back together after a hard bite during a seizure once nearly completely tore through his flesh. Dan’s epilepsy affected every piece of their lives, even the parts Phil never once thought would be affected. 

Phil was pretty sure he heard Dan crying when he told his mum. He could tell when he started talking to his brother when he put on his ‘strong’ voice and explained that he wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas. “I know, I’m so sorry. We can get together some other time, yeah? Have a late Christmas vegan feast together. And I’ll Facetime on Christmas morning, so we can still see each other. You can unwrap this fantastic gift you’ve been telling me about for me.” 

Over the next few hours in the Lester home, the nervous energy slowly shifted from being nervous about Dan and his health to the party they’d been getting ready for. Dan was fast asleep in Nigel’s chair still with his blanket for most of the afternoon, and a couple of times while his mum was bustling through the living room, Phil caught her checking to make sure that Dan was still breathing. Before everyone started arriving, Phil shook him awake and led him to the guest room downstairs, and fended off the questions about his boyfriend for the first couple of hours until Dan emerged from the guest room looking closer to his old self. He still looked tired, but not _tired_ anymore. Normal tired.

“There he is! Sleeping off your drinks from last night, are ya?” Phil’s uncle asked, and Phil felt himself cringe slightly. Dan shrugged a little and sat in Nigel’s recliner again, stretching himself out with the footrest up. He crossed his arms over himself and curled his legs up slightly, and Phil knew he’d be asleep again soon most likely, but seeing him up and moving around on his own put Phil’s worried mind at ease. 

“Nah, just not feeling well this morning. Needed a bit more sleep than usual. My body’s like a computer, I swear, I need to reboot myself all the time.” Dan said with a wink at Phil and then his mum. 

Just as Phil thought, Dan was asleep under his blanket again by the end of the hour, but no one seemed to notice. He skipped out on dinner, and went to bed early that night before everyone left. In a quiet moment after their family had left, Kathryn pulled Phil aside.

“Did I do okay? I feel like I was panicking too much.”

Phil shook his head. “You did amazing. I did the exact same thing and called Karen when Dan had his first one in Manchester. I almost got my finger bit off because I was trying to keep him from swallowing his tongue.” 

His mum sighed and nodded. “I was just so scared he was going to die and there would be nothing I could do to help him. I hate seeing the four of you kids in any kind of pain but...that is next level. And that happens often?”

“Not that big, but small ones at least once a week, yes. The big ones can be anywhere from every six months to a couple of them a month.” 

“Phillip, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s not something we talk about often, he doesn’t like people knowing too much about it. Our audience knows that he has epilepsy but they don’t know any details beyond that he has it.” Phil took a deep breath and let it out shakily. “I hate this, Mum. I hate this so much. There are days I wish that he’ll wake up with a normal brain that doesn’t short circuit on him, and then I remember that he had his first seizure when he was ten months old and that he’ll never be normal.” 

Kathryn took his face in her hands and nodded, her thumbs wiping the quiet tears off his face. “I know you do, baby. But you go through all this because you love him. You said it yourself years ago, it’s your job to take care of him.” His mum fixed his hair a little bit, repositioned his glasses on his face for him. “And he is normal, just a different kind normal. He’s your normal.” Another few moments passed, and his mum cleared her throat. “My boys. You’re both so strong. Go to bed, you look exhausted. I’ll make your brother do the dishes tonight.” 

When Phil finally laid down in the guest room with Dan sound asleep beside him, his heart finally settled back into his chest where it belonged. Even after Dan had been fine for a few hours, Phil still had been on edge all day, the lingering fear that Dan would go down without so much as a slur of his words or an odd twitch constantly in his head. The entire day had an undercurrent of fear to it, but tomorrow they’d wake up and share their Christmas eve together, and be able to pretend they were normal for a day. 

Right now though, his fears could save themselves for tomorrow. It was Phil’s turn to be tired.

**Author's Note:**

> drop me a line: starboydjh.tumblr.com
> 
> buy me a coffee if you want: ko-fi.com/hadley
> 
> info on epilepsy and grand mal seizures: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/grand-mal-seizure/symptoms-causes/syc-20363458


End file.
